No way!

I haven't been here since February! Here it is already October. It might take a bit to catch up. That's alright, I love writing. Well, perhaps I should change writing to typing cause I am not really using a pen/pencil. I am obviously using my computer. Let's see what has been happening. Through FB I found some people I knew in high school. What a trip! That has been super amazing. I met up with a teacher that had me as a student her first year of teaching AND she is in her 29th year of teaching. Well hello reality check!
Ashlin turned 13 and began 8th grade in August, which started the 17th. NO WAY! I am in denial about her being a t-e-e-n-a-g-e-r. Nope not happening. I really don't have much say in it, do I?
Calleigh and Melanie are wonderful to watch WHEN they're not in trouble. Nicole complete 3 sessions of classes through UOP online. I am proud of that girl. She is now getting ready to start at a community college in January.
Ken seems has been in an outage that will continue until November or December. He works a lot of hours so he is tired by the time he comes home. We try to keep the girls entertained so he can have some quiet. It's hard because by that time of the day, they are getting the grouchies. It seems that the evening meal is the most chaotic of the whole day.
I am trying to bring back some kind of order to the house. It at times seems futile with two pre-schoolers here. I have figured out that if you give them a blanket statement like, "Pick up your toys.", they bail immediately. However, if you are in the midst of the cleanup helping, they respond much better. They still get, distracted especially if it's toys we are putting away.

This past summer, we went to So. Cal. to see my dad and my sister-who was visiting, too. Ashlin and I went to Hollywood. We just missed Jerry BruckheimerNicole met her biological father. Um that didn't turn too well. That's all I have to say about that.
I faced him for the first time in 22 years. He is not doing very good, healthwise. I, finally, am at peace with what went down between us and I felt validated by my decision to flee. I no longer live in fear for my life. That is awesome. Here's the thing, though. I have lived with that for so long that I feel like a part of me is empty and I don't know what to fill it with. I'll figure it out seomeday.
Nicole and I went to Ashland, OR to see "Pride and Prejudice" on Mother's day weekend. It was a blast. We drove as far as Grant's Pass on backroads. We drove from Medford to Klamath Falls. It was truly beautiful and relaxing. I came home to a nice pastel green Master Bath! Cool, huh? Ashlin and I also went to Ashland to see "Henry the IV." We didn't stay the night. Then the three of us went to see "Hamlet". We went to dinner at a really nice restaurant. Stayed the night then went to the play. Bravo & Marvelous. Had a good time.
Nicole and I took the girls to Elko to drop them off with Michael's parents. It was a long drive. They were gone for a little over a month. We picked them up in Sacramento. They have been home for a little under three weeks and have been discovering new ways to play. Today, we took Rayden and Gibbs for a walk. Calleigh walked Gibbs. Rayden pulled the wagon for a little ways. Then Ashlin took him because he was really tugging on the leash. So then, we got Melanie out of the wagon and let her pull it(empty). they really had alot of fun. These two girls ten to get bored!
Calleigh is working on her letters and doing quite well. We sat down yesterday and I helped her by telling her where to start and stop. She caught on and seems to love "writing". We need to work on letter sounds. That, too, will be absorbed like a sponge is to water.
Ashlin and I are going to Coloma Friday for her Living History Docents. I am driving my car there with a good friend-but no kids. That's ok with me. My friend and I will be able to chat.
I like that!
Well, need to wrap this up for the night. Good night everyone. Sleep tight and sweet dreams.

Kels

The past

I have thought for years what I might tell him if I saw him again. Part of me hoped that he was no longer living so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Now, however, it looks like I might. So I have been thinking about our relationship as a whole.

I don't recognize that person from back then. I want to tell him that I have never stopped caring for him. It hurts my heart to know what he is facing. I'm sure that his wife will be by his side. I think my baby wants to be there to. Damaged going in to the relationship and even more damaged coming out. Both of us.

Ok. back on topic. What would I say? I was really screwed up then and so was he. His might have been more exposed. His was drugs and alcohol. I had secrets and family dysfunction. That really doesn't compare to his family's dysfunction.

I want to tell him that I left because I was afraid of him. After I left, I was afraid that he would track me down and try to take my baby away from me. I was afraid he would hurt me-physically because he had before.

How can I face him? How can I after 22 years of nada. I don't know if he tried to find me. He may have. It is hard to say.

I'm done for now.
Good night.
Kels

The Joyful Heart Foundation

The Joyful Heart Foundation(JHF) came to be in 2004 when Mariska Hargitay felt compelled to reach out to help the many sexually abused women, domestic violence victims, and child abuse victims. She had been playing the part of Detective Olivia Benson on the intensly popular,"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit " for several years. The show itself brought to light a little talked about subject. She received thousands of letters from people who had been abused in some way. Her heart was moved with compassion when she heard about their pain, suffering and inability to move beyond it. There had to be something she could do to help these people. Thus, Joyful Heart Foundation was born. It's purpose is to provide counseling, education, healing and empowerment that would allow people who had been wounded by abuse move on with their lives.
Today, JHF is up for a possible grant in the amount of $250,000 towards furthering their magazine "Reunion".
There are two ways to get information about it and help JHF get this grant. $250,000 will go a long way!
1) go to http://www.mariska.com/ and click on Mariska's blog. 2) go to www.refresheverything.com/votejoy.
Please vote once a day, every day until Feb 28. And be sure to tell your friends or even strangers to vote too!

Poor Rayden!

My goofy dog! He looks so sad! I'll bet he makes you think nobody loves him. Talk about poser.

Challenge

I got kind of scared today when talking to someone. The person I was talking to, in a way, challenged me to make a *big* boundry for myself. I instantly felt tense at the idea of setting any boundries in this area of my life. I could feel me body get stiff at the mere thought. I am terrified that if I do this, I will fail? Something will happen and upset the whole applecart and I will too easily let go of the boundry. I have tried to set a boundry in this area of my life and have failed miserably at it. Seems pretty silly for someone who quit smoking cold turkey. I didn't quit the first time I tried. It took me many times. Success finally came my way when I took the time to figure out why I smoked to begin with. I remember so well. For two weeks I kept a trigger list. I paid attention to what I was doing when I wanted a cigarette, wrote it down, then went and smoked it. I set a date to quit. Then utilizing my list, I came up with a substitute for a cigarette for that activity. For example, I chewed a pen while I talked on the phone. That was my worst trigger. When I quit, I activated the substitues. It only took a short time of chewing the crap out of the end of all my pens to not need to do it. One time, I ended up with ink all over me. Oh yeah, the other subtitute I used was cinnamon sticks. I had to have something that had strong flavor for the rest of the times. Cinnamon sticks are very strong. You don't believe me? Try it! I also belonged to a email support group. It was like, for them, I couldn't fail. I had to succeed. I have been smoke free since July 5, 1995. I am guessing for these two areas of my life that have proven to be hazardous to me, maybe I need to do the same. Oh my! How much time do I have???

Boundries...

I am no good at setting boundries and sometimes I seem to lack the strength to enforce them.
It comes at no surprise that when someone else asserts boundries that I would get seriously upset.
Boundries are good. Boundries are important. How difficult is it for someone else to assert a boundry with the knowledge that the person they are setting it for? against? towards? might be very hurt and feel rejected? Not that the boundry setter is meaning to hurt them nor is it their responsibility to mandate how a person reacts. Nevertheless, I think it would be a tough place to be in.
The Lord has boundries, too. There are things He knows would hurt us if we cross those boundries. They are there to keep us safe. What is interesting about this is that there are times the Lord lets us make the choice. If we cross those boundries the consequences are severe, if not lethal.
The other side of that is that He loves us immensely. He will not stop us from making that choice. Sometimes it is the very consequences that lead us back to Him.
Boundries usually not fun to make or to come up against. I have the utmost respect for those people in my life who make boundries and keep them. It is risky business.

Me wait?

Feeling the overwhelming sense of God's great love right now. It is amazing. I am wathching Him work in my life as well as the life of my precious daughters. Did I say it is amazing? My goodness, I have waited a very long time for this.
I am thinking about the commercial on T.V. where people lean out the window and yell at the top of their lungs and shout, "It's my money and I need it now!" This is so like us. I don't know about you, but I hate to wait. Particularly when it comes to how to "wait" on God. What does it mean to "wait" on God? What a strange little word that yields such great struggle. Impatience to be exact. Joyce Meyer uses "When God, When?" and "Why God, why?" Sounds about right.
I know I am not the only one who has trouble with the wait answer from God. Anything God but wait. Well, let's face it. I don't necessarily like the word "No" either. But waiting? Oh no. I really do not like to wait.
We live in an everything instant society. I tend to think the Lord should be that way. He most certainly is not. There's a saying that a pastor friend taught me when I was in high school. She told me, "The Lord is never in a hurry but He is always on time." Whose time? His Time. What? Yep. His time is so much different than mine.
I am glad in a way that the Lord doesn't give us a "timeframe" for how long we will have to wait. For this particular situation, I have been waiting at least seven years. Had the Lord told me that it would be seven years, would I have stuck around? Um, I don't think so. I am so grateful that He knows what we need when we need it even if we think we need it and we need it now.