What Were We Thinking?

This morning began with "Grams! Grams! Melanie did something to the DVD player." Hearing the panic and fear in Calleigh's voice I responded immediately. I heard it before I saw it. "Breeeeeee." Stop. "Breeeeeeee." Stop. I couldn't imagine what was going on. So, I get to the DVD player and it doesn't take long to figure out what had happened. We have one of those 400 DVD storage thingimabobbers. Miss Melanie Button Pusher had managed to open the door and pull out about three DVDs and couldn't get them to go all the back way in. So, they were stuck. The sound I heard was the wheel trying to move so the door could shut. Fix was easy-thank the Lord! Calleigh kept saying, "I didn't do anything." and Melanie kept saying, "It's broken and it's all my fault." Oh my gosh, I hear two generations of children flowing through those girls.
The whole thing has me thinking. Why did we get that thing in the first place? It was supposed to be a "Great idea!" We thought, hey it's ok. We can take the time to enter all the titles of the DVD's in there. No prob. Heck, even Nicole offered to help-she's a fast typist. There was just something we forgot about in the organization process. Yep. You guessed it. Calleigh and Melanie. We made several attempts and getting all of the DVD's in there, with titles, and organized (depending on who was doing the organizing hehehe). We would "take a break" and come back. The DVD's would not be the way we left them. In fact there would be tiny finger prints on the back of the DVD's. I think that happened three or four times before we gave up. Ideally, it would have worked great. Reality? Not so much.
Needless to say the DVD player is fixed and the DVD's are messed up again. Peace has returned to home! Riiiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhtttttt!

The Land of Duhs

Hey! It has been a long long time. Calleigh has begun kindergarten and seems to love it alot. Hard to believe, I know. Melanie has adjusted to Calleigh being gone in the morning. She actually quite likes it. The toys are all hers to play with. For the most part, she is content as content can be.

I was thinking this morning about some stuff that makes me wonder as a parent how many times I have done this. When I was a youngster probably about Melanie's age-4ish, I was riding a neighbor's big wheel type vehicle made out of metal. One of the neighbor boys ran into me. I had my fingers curled around the edge of the area above the wheel when he ran into me. It cut my fingers and I had to get stitches. My mom said, "You are not going to play on that again." Duh. My own choice was "Darn straight I am not going ride that again." Then again in high school when I was at practice for basketball, I broke my foot. My mom said, "No more basketball for you." Duh. By the time my foot would have healed, basketball would have been over.

Now as a mom and grandma, I really do wonder, how many times I have done this myself. Stating the obvious. And I am sure that my children, if they read this will comment on this will have a whole bunch of "Duh" moments for me. So, girls, here is your opportunity to list away!

Choices

Wow! Time flies! Here it is heading towards the middle of May. Mother's Day has passed and my mom's birthday has passed. It was hard being the first without her. I miss her so much. It's amazing how I can just plug along and suddenly be overtaken with emotions. According to my friends, that eases with time.

I am finally not coughing all the time. I think the two weeks of antibiotics was a really good idea.

There are so many transitions right now. Ashlin is getting ready to graduate from 8th grade and going into high school. That is huge for her and me. She is making so many decisions that are independent and wise. Seeing Shirley for the first time by herself was really big. It was awkward because I had mixed emotions about it, at first. I am glad. I have wanted her to take steps to take steps to take care of her Diabetes. I mean, she doesn't need me like she use to in that respect. She is taking responsibility for her food intake. My role in that is a little tougher. I have to keep my nose to the grindstone to help keep her on her meal plan. It's not fair for me to be pigging out on junk and expect her to eat healthy. So, I have to change my ways a bit, too. She, however, is responsible for her own meal plan. I am trying really hard to buy the fruit and veggies and stuff that she needs to support her. Even tonight, I made the choice to bring home fruit instead of chocolate. I really wanted chocolate. That wouldn't be fair to Ashlin and it really wouldn't be good for me. I made a deliberate choice to bring home fruit. Tomorrow, the girls will benefit from that choice, too.

What is interesting to me is why it is hard to make some of the simple choices. For example, which load of laundry should I do first? What should we have for dinner? Should I go to the drug store first or the grocery store? It seems the simpler the choice the more difficult they are. Crazy, huh? Yeah.

Well, for now, I am choosing to sign off and go to bed. I am tired. All this choosing has worn me out!

The Written Word

One must be careful to write what you mean and clarify what you mean. It can so easily be misunderstood. Emotion can not be seen with words. Tone and attitude can not be be heard or felt with words. Facial expression can not be read with words. The expression, something I awlays thought I was so good at, must be written in such that nothing is left to the imagination especially when it is in terms of responding to a comment someone else makes. It is too easy to misinterpret.

Insignificant, ingored, talked over, non-exsistent

The girls and I were discussing situations yesterday that we find ourselves in on a regular basis. Not with each other, of course, but with others. There are people in our lives that when we are talking to them, they begin speaking to someone else or just interrupt us and begin talking about something completely different. What about talking with someone and they just look right past me? Now, that happens to me alot. I can't stand it. If I do this, please, my friends, tell me. Another thing related to this is in regards to social networks or twitters. I see all kinds of people receive responses yet when I ask a question or post something, nada. I guess in a way, I get jealous and wonder, "Well, what the heck is wrong with me?" It is hard not to feel overlooked or feel left out. Ashlin feels this way with certain people and so does Nicole. It's not like we expect people to bow down to us, no but we don't deserve to be disrespected either. I notice one thing that I do specifically. I DO interrupt people. I am going to work on that. I don't like it. One of my goals is to really focus on what someone is trying to say to me and to bite my tongue if I have to to keep from interrupting them. They have just as much of a story to tell as I do. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Yep. New goal for Kels. I want to try to make each person in my life feel as special as possible. I think the hard part in that would be keepin' it real. I need to get some sleep. I am running on empty. I want to do this. I pray for this to be something that I can do successfully.

New, Renewed, or Rekindled?

So, it starts with the smallest gleam of light. Perhaps the smallest of fluttering. A faint memory of faces matched up with words so powerful that they changed lives. Faces flashing so fast that I can't keep up. The deepest desire to fulfill the calling placed on my life. The call that I KNOW WORKS. People requesting prayer-my heart wanting to stop right then and there and praying. Dear Father God-...I know it's there and I know the flame is being fanned. It is just a matter of time and it will be in full force. And I know what comes with it. A force to be reckoned with. Not by my own might or my own power by that of the Power in the Name of Christ.

Bringing it to the Table

Ok I have two daughters both of which are doing things that are affecting the family in a deep and troubling way. I think they both need to know how their behaviors are doing just that. Maybe it's time to get some family counseling on the schedule.
The other day Ellen Degeneres posted a birck wall with a sign pointing behind them. Behind them was a brick wall with a sign pointing to the one they just came from. That is me right now. I am sure their are some behaviors that I do that are affecting them, too. So, I really do think it is time to bring it to the table. I can't take this anymore. Each one accuses the other using me as their buffer. I can't be that anymore. I am too emotionally drained.

Behind the scenes

I am slowly coming to understand that the behind the scenes action is not really something I truly want to know. I am thinking back over the past few years where I have come to know some of Nicole's friends that work at some of the establishments I patronize. When I get to know the "personal" whatnots of the employees lives I don't know. It just makes me feel, contaminated some how. It is usually not until those people are either no longer working at such place or they drift from Nicole's life that I feel comfortable going there.
It is the same with the actors that I really like. Like Lauren Holly. She said something on her blog about some stuff that seemed alright on the surface but that led me to think that there was a storm a brewin' on the set of NCIS. I don't want to know stuff like that. It ruins the fantasy for me. I want to live in the actors' lives as the characters they portray. Now, with Mariska, I have drifted away from the character she plays and am now doing so with Lauren Holly. I see them making an effort to be open with their fans. I can't imagine them wanting to party with all of their fans though. No. That would be crossing a boundry, I think. Now if it was someone we had never met before and just happened to meet them at the beach or something, well that would be different. As it is, unless some miracle takes place, they can never be my friends. They are people. HUMAN but far removed from me and my world. Beth Moore probably will never be a friend. Would I like to meet her? Of course! Would I love to tell her face to face what hell my life has been and where I am spiritually now? Absolutely. I am faced with the nagging, I may not ever get to do that. Same with Mariska. Would I like to give her a great big bear hug? Oh yes on the spot. Same with the other women that inspire me. It may never get to happen.
I don't want to know how drunk so and so got at such and such party last week. I don't want to know who's in jail for why because I like the way they can sing. And I attended their concert. That is not fair.
I really hope this makes sense. I am really tired. It has been a long day. I want to learn from people what I can learn and be thankful for the people I have in my life. That is what I need. Mariska is doing a great thing and I believe she has an awesome heart for people who are hurting. And maybe someday in my own way, I will be able to give my part to that.
Lauren has made herself available to people to listen without judging people. If they are lying to her, it really isn't her responsiblity. The person(s) who are doing the lying are doing the lying for attention. She replies to every post. That's amazing. She really loses nothing. I mean, it feels really really good to have a known actor/actress pay attention to you. Why? Because they are famous. That is soo incredible. I felt it. I felt it when Mariska emailed me about the dream I had about her recovery from her collapsed lung. Then again when she replied about my mom. Yep. I was walking on clouds. That made my year! Now, though, I am doubting that I will ever hear from her again. I am ok with that. Now, Lauren, who knows. I may be able to keep in contact with her for a long time. She seems to like to respond to her writers. So, until she closes down her site, I will check in with her. But and this is a big But I don't need it to keep me going. Whenever I feel that strong pull for someone to pay attention to me-I need to find out the drive behind this- too, I will need to learn how to ask for it even if the person giving me the love isn't necessarily the one I want it from...I'll save that for another time. I feel like I am on the verge of making a huge decision for myself one that could possibly be um I don't know, liberating to me? All I can say, is, YEAH!
This is for those who know me really well. I usually don't pay any attention to horoscopes of any kind as I believe they can lead you down dangerous paths This came from Twitter I believe it was called II "The Daily Gemini" Geminis always look like they are surrounded by friends, but it's hard for them to truly let anyone in." If that is not me, I don't know who it is. WOW! Thank you! Could not have said it better myself!

Wondering as I wonder

I was reading Beth Moore's blog from before her event in Tacoma this past weekend. I have been dealing with a feeling of being invisible. Yep, that's what I said. I am feeling invisible. I am not really living. I am merely exisisting. There is no "profound" joy although there is plenty of sorrow. I have been trying to understand what is wrong with me. I have completely lost interest in everything. I don't want to do anyting. Talk about pits.
Any way, in Beth's blog she was talking about seed throwers. I got to thinking, that plants don't grow if there is no seed thrown down. Is this what my problem is? I am not throwing any seed. I know that she states that we throw the seed but what happens tot he seed after that is up to the Lord. In a way, I am somewhat confused about it. Well, right now, I feel confused about alot of things but I know my relationship with the Lord has suffered tremendously and I am walking a tight rope. It is frightening to me cause I know what all the stuff that is happening in the world means. I am scared cause I know I am not in good standing witht the Lord.
It's a lonely road and I am not sure as of now how to get back.

Friends in the shadows

I just wonder if others have been going through something and find some one that's been there all along waiting quietly along the sidelines? I am blessed to have found two such people. Out of neccessity I have let them in. I can not do this alone any more. And I am sorry, only having one is not enough-ok-eating my words now-I need others to help me right now. God, I feel so freakin' needy and oh what's the word? Powerless. Helpless. Weak. God I hate feeling weakness. You know what I am really afraid of? They will get tired of me and turn their back on me. Y eah. I know that story all to well. I guess it will just be a matter of the "T" word.
In the meantime, I will just need to close my eyes and go for it. Oh my gosh there are some faces flashing before my mind's eye that just bring back so much pain so before I go down that path I will stop.

Little Girl

For as long as I have been in counseling, you would think that I would know by now that every situation I find myself feeling truly undone over is the result of damage done to the little girl in me. All of my doubts and fears in many of the decisions I am having to make have their basis in the little girl in me. Fear of failure. Fear of lack of success. Our society bases everything on what we do for a living. My identity is wrapped up in the success of my family. It is amazing how twisted things have become in this so called society. It is really screwed up. At home moms are ridiculed for staying at home with their kids. Working parents are ridiculed for having other people raising their kids. It makes no difference what you do, you get ridiculed. Interesting. I have an email to write.
More later.

UGH

I was down all day yesterday. I still feel like something from the bottom of my shoe. I got the laryngitis. It doesn't seem as bad this time, though. It seems like it may be on it's way out. If it is gone in the next few days I will be pleasantly surprised.
Something strange is going on. I have been experiencing sensations of vibrations in my hand. Mostly it's in my right hand and it's weird. Ashlin told me that it was just that my hand was shaking. To me, it felt like electrical charge-vibration. I think I have noticed this before in my foot. Oh well.
The girls got home yesterday. I wish I felt better cause I would take them for a walk or get them going with Zumba or put dance music on for them. They would enjoy that. I was impressed that they were both asleep by 10:15 last night. I guess they haven't been taking naps so that they do go to bed at night. Makes for a long day.

Old Habits Die Hard

I have realized with brutal awareness that the reason I don't feel all that well physically is because 90% if the time, I am sleep deprived and I have no one to blame but myself. I sat here last night/early this morning telling myself that I really needed to go to bed. At least I went to bed at 2 instead of 3. I fell asleep very easily too. What is it that keeps me from going into the bedroom? Two things stand out right off the bat. TV and this crazy computer. Laziness, too. How sad is that? I mean I sit here and say "I need to take my meds. I need to take my meds but oh my gosh they are all the way in the kitchen." That's not too good. I guess that's my next project. Force myself-discipline myself to go to bed at a specific time, I know I will go to sleep. I have seen it happen. Enough for now. Got errands to run and appointments. Yeah massage! Whoo hoo!

Hey-

I am back. I have finally been able to STOP running. With that, I have crashed and burned. LOL. No really. I can't tell if I am depressed or just plain tired. I guess the death of a mom, hospitalization, car wreck, trip to the ER. being stuck a thousand miles from home, finally getting home being confronted with a boatload of paperwork AND school work, and at last being able to sit back it finally all hit me. Problem is now, it's all too much for me to think about! Oh well. I think it is actually good for me to let my guard down and realize the any one of the given situations was alot for one to deal with much less all of them at once. Is it ok for me to finally cry? Absolutely. I deserve to cry. It was a whole lot to deal with. Now, how do I know what I am crying for? Who the hell cares? Let it out. Let it all out.
We are have put in an application for U Prep. I also realized why this has been so difficult for that, too. I have all this other stuff to still deal with without making yet another decision. Too much too soon but I can't afford to wait. Nope. So now, It's onward and upward. And, it's raining outside. I think Iwill just sit here for a while and watch the rain.